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The New Redacted Bible (Satire)

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Every word of God is pure; He is a shield to those who put their trust in Him.” -Proverbs 30:5

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Are you having a hard time reading the entire Bible in a year? Do you consider the Old Testament archaic and irrelevant for your life as a New Testament believer? Are there parts of the New Testament that you consider irrelevant and useless? [Mark 7:13] Are there portions of scripture that are so hard to understand that you ignore them altogether? [2 Peter 3:16] WE HAVE GREAT NEWS!

We are pleased to announce the “New Redacted Bible” for only $4.99. The word redacted is the process of editing a document to remove information before publication. Since this version of the Bible (consisting of about 30 verses) utilizes far less ink to print, we have been able to greatly reduce the printing costs and therefore pass the savings on to you!

The New Redacted Bible reduces Christian theology to its most elementary, pleasant, and non-offensive teachings. This new version of the Bible is already in use by your favorite ministerial hirelings [John 10:12] and Satan’s ministers who are presently standing in your pulpits masquerading as ministers of righteousness. [2 Corinthians 11:14-15].

This new version of the Bible includes all these apostates’ favorite offering plate filling scriptures such as “God is love” (1 John 4:8), “Love God and your neighbor” (Mark 12:30-31). “Obey your government” (Romans 13), “We are saved by faith and not works,” (Ephesians 2:8-9), and “There are none righteous, not one” (Romans 3:10).

For your convenience, we have also removed all of those pesky scripture verses such as God “hates all workers of iniquity” (Psalm 5:5), “We must obey God rather than man [government],” (Acts 5:29), “We are saved for good works” (Ephesians 2:10), and “You see then that a man is justified by works, and not by faith only.” (James 2:24).

Redacted from this new version of the Bible is the entire Old Testament. Also redacted are any New Testament Scriptures that calls for repentance. Burdensome Scriptures such as the “Awake to righteousness, and do not sin. (1 Corinthians 15:34) have been removed. As an extra added bonus, we have also included several blank pages for you to add new scriptures to your Bible that better reflect YOUR theology. This way, you are able to make up your very own Book, Chapter and Verse for these new scriptures. You can even call it “The Book of [your name here].” Here, you can include all of the commonly accepted unbiblical scripture’s verses such as “We are all God’s children” “God loves everyone,” “We all sin, all day every day and it is OK.

Also removed are any New Testament Scriptures that calls for spiritual maturity or any level of personal responsibility. Since individual Christian perfection, righteousness and holiness is unachievable, we have conveniently removed all the unrealistic and unachievable verses such as “Therefore, you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect. (Matthew 5:48). Also removed are any and all calls for personal righteousness such as “Whoever practices righteousness is righteous, as [Christ] is righteous,” (1 John 3:7). Unrealistic Scriptures that calls for holiness such as. “Be ye holy; for I am holy.” (1 Peter 1:16) have also been redacted for you convenience.

If you cannot afford the new Redacted Bible for $4.99, we also have a do-it-yourself Scripture Redaction Kit for $1.99. This wildly popular kit has been sold to millions of theologians (sic) and has been used for centuries by all of your favorite false teachers and prophets [2 Peter 2:1], falsepastors [Acts 20:29] and falseapostles [Revelation 2:2]. This kit includes a yellow highlighter marker that you can use to highlight all of your personal favorite scripture verses. Also included is your own Black Redaction Marker that you can use to redact any remaining scriptures from God’s word that does not fit into your traditions. Anytime that you find a scripture verse that you theologically disagree with or simply refuse to apply to your life, it is easy as pulling out your redaction marker and scratching it out. Never again will you have to waste time or otherwise wrestle with these useless or irreverent scriptures.

If the Redaction Bible is not for you, we also offer the more expensive and more time consuming “Whole Council Bible.” This manuscript was created by faithful witnesses who feared God and respected His word so much, that they did not dare to add or take away any of the messages that they had been entrusted with. (Deuteronomy 4:2 – Revelation 22:18-19).

This Bible contains over 31,00 verses and has been used by some of history’s greatest theological minds such as Christ and the Apostle Paul (Acts 20:27). It operates off the revolutionary concept that “All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.” (2 Timothy 3:16-17).

A thorough understanding and application of the “Whole Council Bible” will prevent the spiritually immature from “being tossed to and fro with every wind of doctrine. (Ephesians 4:14) and will help you to escape the snare of those who would twist the Holy Scriptures to their own [and your] destruction. (2 Peter 3:16). The “Whole Council Bible” is the only manuscript with the authority to bring the church to unity before Christ returns. {see John 17}


John Diamond

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